Last June I decided to make a bold decision. It was a decision I had only decided to do two other times in my adult life. This was the decision to move.
I didn't move because I was necessarily unhappy with my old apartment. My previous place was the perfect size and it had all the essential amenities that any guy who lived alone would want: stove, shower, toilet, and refrigerator. The decision was based primarily on two reasons.
First, my old apartment was a little off the beaten path. It wasn't quite close enough to the downtown area in the city where I live in for my liking. During the summer the walk to the bars/restaurants was fine, but in the winter, the same walk had a very different feeling (it was fucking cold). Secondly, the carpeting was diarrhea. My landlord wasn't necessarily a poor landlord, but I repeatedly asked for replacement carpeting from day one and was promised that it would happen; it never did. That went on for almost two years before I decided enough was enough. So, like I said, it was more or less the culmination of those two factors that forced the "bold decision." I gave my 30 days notice and began to seek new living arrangements.
I won't lie, when I moved this time my financial situation was far different than my previous move into my old apartment. I won't say that money wasn't a factor, but it was less of a factor. When I began browsing Craigslist and the local classifieds, the most important aspect to my new place was location. Just like my envisions of my future dream home, size wasn't what I desired. I did't need a huge place and I actually think it's irresponsible to live in a home or apartment that's beyond what I need. The search began.
The search didn't last long - only a couple of weeks. As I said before, I searched the classifieds and Craigslist exclusively. I never actually went in any of them though. Essentially, here were my steps:
1. Find a place that was under $X dollars a month.
2. Google it's location
3. Reject based on location
Then, I found one that passed all three steps.
I immediately called the number posted in the ad. This is where my excitement started to obstruct my rationale thought process. Sometimes in life you become so infatuated with something that blinders come up that block reality. This is what occurred.
When I called the number I didn't get a real voice on the other end. What I received was a robotic voice informing me that I had contacted a pager and needed to leave my number after the "beep." I thought it was funky, but I figured I was either dealing with, A) a doctor who owned property, or B) a person who didn't want to give a personal telephone number over Craigslist, or C) a drug dealer. All of them seemed like legitimate possibilities. I left my number and within a few hours I received a call back from a "blocked" number. I didn't immediately make the connection between me leaving my number with the pager and this call. All I could think was, 'Fuck!' Did I forget to pay my credit card? My car payment? No, no. I'm responsible. Nervously, I slid the touch pad on my phone so I could respond.
"Hello, this is Nick." There was an awkward silence and then I heard the voice that reminded me of this kid named Chris that I knew in high school. Chris was a gun-loving freak who had only two passions outside of artillery; lawnmowers and randomly punching people in the arm (as a side note, Chris eventually joined the ARMY after high school - surprise, surprise). Anyways, when I heard the voice, that's what went through my head and it was a little frightening. Since I knew he was in Iraq, I knew the chances of it being him were slim. After he identified who he was I began to express my interest in his ad on Craigslist.
The conversation wasn't long and it seemed more like he was giving me a deposition than gauging my interest in his rental. After telling him my job history, previous living situations, criminal background, and every other piece of personal information under the sun, he finally agreed to meet with him to see the place. This is actually when things started becoming very odd and I should have realized what I was dealing with.
After telling me he lived in a city that's very close (probably a 3-5 minute drive - max), he then gave me a time to meet him. Despite him living less than a mile away, he said that he was very busy and I had to meet him at 2pm sharp the next day. And by "sharp," he meant like the front teeth of a Valasa Raptor. He told me if I was running more than 5 minutes late, he'd leave. The problem was that this was in the middle of my work day and I work over 35 minutes away. Because I was amped about this rental I took the risk and agreed to his stipulation.
The next day came and work was hell. I knew I was going to be cutting it close and after a 1pm meeting, I got out of there as quick as humanly possible. I weaved in and out of traffic cruising at an average of 30 mph above the speed limit. I was about 10 minutes away when I realized I was going to be close to 5 minutes late. I decided to give him a call, but realized I only had his god damned pager number. I finally got to the rental at 2:04pm. He was literally pulling out to leave and I had to flag him down and ask if he was the owner. I couldn't believe he was serious.
He wasn't happy. He immediately began berating me on my punctuality (which I typically pride myself on). His first question to me was 'why did I agree to 2pm if I could make it?' I didn't really have an answer except for the truth - that work was insane and I got out a few minutes later than I would have liked. He did some huffing and puffing before getting out of his car to show me the place.
This man, just to setup a visual, looked like a shorter version of Jeff Daniels from Dumb and Dumber. He wasn't goofy at all though. I knew for a fact that he wasn't planning on opening a worm store or trekking to Aspen to help his friend get Mary Swanson.
He unlocked the door and we went in the place. It was really small and I wasn't immediately sold on it. After the short tour, we began some small talk. He had some general questions about me and my current employment status (as he should). Somehow he began talking about his job and black people (clearly appropriate). It was very apparent he didn't like minorities. He told me multiple stories (using slang terms that I don't support the use of) about how they were lazy, dumb, etc. Oh, and also that he had served multiple suspensions from work in the past for racial comments he'd made in the workplace. Eventually I attempted to break from the conversation and move along. He asked me if I was going to be looking at other places and I told him that this was my first place and I really wanted to see everything that was out there before committing. That was all the bargaining I needed to do.
He responded with, well, 'what if I cut the rent down $150 and I cover utilities? - you seem like responsible young white man.' He actually said that! Now, I don't support racist people, but since the price was fair already, this was the icing on the cake for me. I told him I wanted to fully inspect it, and make sure everything worked, and if so, I'd take it. The next day, I signed my lease and was set to move in the day following my birthday.
I could continue to write about the fucked up events that have followed since signing my lease. I'm going to convert this into a list of events that have occurred between move-in, and now. It was important to really tell a detailed story of the hints that I should have picked up on regarding choosing this man as my landlord.
I'm going to keep these in chronological order as much as possible:
1. After being moved in for one week, my landlord decided to leave a note on my door telling me that he doesn't approve of the way I pull out of my complex (it's a flat).
2. After being moved in for three weeks the washing machine stopped working. This is after I already poured detergent over my clothing. I paged my landlord and his questions to me was why I poured detergent on my clothes before turning it on. Really?
3. After being moved in for two months he asked for an inspection. He asked why my smoke alarm didn't have a battery in it. I asked him why he never made sure one was in there in the first place.
4. After experiencing my first winter night I began to look for my thermostat. I then realized he never disclosed that the other person in the flat controls it, not me. Not cool. My neighbor is my age but is either on Coumadin or a reptile. My place is a consistent 85 degrees and humid. There's mosquitos the size of crows that migrate to my place in November.
5. I noticed he came into my place one time when I wasn't home. Uh, yeah.
6. My heat went out in early January during the coldest week of the fiscal-year. I called his pager. It was disconnected. I was forced to write him a letter to the address I send my rent to. He came by 5 days later to ask why I didn't call his phone. FIVE DAYS OF COLD!!!
Me: "Did you give me your number?"
Him: "I don't think so"
Me: "How was I supposed to call you?"
Him: "Did you try the neighbor?"
Me: "Yes, he also didn't have it"
Him: "Ok, here's my number (xxx)xxx-xxxx"
No apology. I decided to mail in my next rent 10 days late.
7. He came to my door to berate me about how I need to close my screen door (Yes, that says "screen"). It's completely irrelevant whether that door is shut...it's 27 degrees out and there's a door always dead bolted behind it.
8. He decided to shovel the snow in the back creating a bank that would obstruct me (or my neighbor) from pulling out of the complex the way we usually do. Again, what...the...hell?
This is pretty much my experience with my landlord up until now. I am yet to inform him that I plan to move out two months early due to a school program in Italy which I'll be out of the country for. There will be no bargaining.
I will not be returning as a renter.
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